And I
Just wish that
I didn’t feel
Like there was
Something I missed…

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to…

These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need…

–My December, by Linkin Park

TactOps88 (9:30:02 PM): there’s a distinct difference between what you feel when you’re giving advice and when you’re on the receiving end
iii THEPOPE iii (9:30:13 PM): yes quite the difference
TactOps88 (9:30:53 PM): but if you understand that your rational mind is being distorted, then you sometimes lessen the impact
TactOps88 (9:31:12 PM): perhaps it’s a skill you get after lots of distortions?

It might have been because I’ve hardly been able to keep myself from procrastinating to death, but they’re becoming less frequent. Yet I say that as I type this, and as I’m staring at it on my watch. Well, at least I’m glad I can touch type. I once read that the door can never fully be closed, no matter what the issue, but I’m wondering how far I can push it closed. The pictures, even the ones not related to her, were the equivalent of 300-pound Bubba geting a natural 20 on his strength check.

However, I’m looking at them again, and I don’t feel as intense about them. They were nice memories, but I should stick to what I said and maintain control. My current situation worries me though, and I’m not even going to think about the decreased chances of anything happening in college.

Why is it the social norm for the guy to take the initiative? It’s something I’ve detested, even more since I realized that one can become completely focused on one person (or a couple people), moving aside similar thoughts for other people. What if one of those people threw the ball to me? Lost in my dreamy gaze, I’d be stunned when the ball came out of the sky to hit me. Not only would I be disoriented, but the relationship I have with the person who just chucked a ball at me would never be the same. Now switch the positions.

And that’s exactly what was running through my mind two-and-a-half years ago. There were, of course, extenuating circumstances that would make for a very long, confusing, “you seriously have no backbone” story. So I’m wondering how it’s usually done. Granted, I don’t expect the pair to make a mutually obvious connection, but it seems that whenever I’m out on the field, the sun is extraordinarily bright. They won’t ever see it coming.

This is one of those times I wish I was the younger brother. I want someone with those five extra years of experience, that’s experienced a whole world ahead of what I’m currently at. Because I’m a coward and a perfectionist when it comes to this, and I don’t want to make the wrong move. It’s easy when I can make a bold move on someone else’s behalf, but this is a purely selfish action, one that even endangers the other. I somehow doubt that chivalry alone can make it work. Perhaps I need a little extra something.