Procrastination’s trump card

1. How many vowels are in your middle name? One. It’s a secret middle name, though.
2. What is your age multiplied by 3? Depending on how long this takes me to finish, 48 or 51.
3. What gender are you not of? “If you don’t have breasts or ovaries, are you still considered a woman?” “Actually, you’re a happier woman, because you don’t have to worry about Maxi pads or Tampons.” I’m not a woman even taking that into account.

4. Brand of chainsaw? The one that goes VROOOM with the press of a button. None of that string crap.
5. Color of prison uniform? Whatever the color of the prison wall is. So I can blend in and be like a ninja. (there would be a sound here, but ninjas are silent)
6. Genre of pornography? Whoa, I’m not about to tell you my fetishes unless you want to find out first-hand.
7. Swear word? Shit, fuck, damn, fucker, bitch…I get surprisingly unconsciously verbal when playing foosball in the middle of a FAO Schwartz basement filled with little kids.
8. Historical assassination? Booth ripping a new one in Lincoln. Bitch shot him in his own booth, then jumped down, accidentally caught the spurs of his boot on the stage curtain, broke his leg, yelled out some rebel shit, and limped out. He was tracked down and cornered by calvalry into an abandoned building, where they drew him out and shot him.
9. Serial killer? Does Hannibal Lecter count?
10. Road sign? Stop. “No, you stop!”
11. Species of dinosaur? Velociraptors. They’re the ninjas of the dinosaur world.
12. Cheesy horror movie? Jason X, because there was sex. Sex…X…holy shit…
13. Body of water? Look to the right for a list of them.

14. Which of these words fit you best: bitch, pimp, slut, pedophile, flatliner, or ugly? I’ve been called a bitch, a pimp, and a pedophile. But to clarify, just because Gunslinger Girls has middle-aged guys teamed up with underage girls who would mindlessly do whatever they say, IT IS NOT PORN! I’m not a pedophile!
15. What’s the last inanimate object you kissed? The water from the shower. It costs less than a whore, and it’s a lot cleaner.
16. Is your dad the type to hold a shotgun and say things like “keep your hands off my daughter!” or “you’re staying in the house TONIGHT, young man!?” No daughters, and I’ve never wanted to leave the house, so I wouldn’t know.
17. What’s your favorite slang term for a condom? Prophylactic
18. Who’s the last person who kissed you when you didn’t really want them to? I’m not hot enough to draw unwanted kisses. Or kisses in general. I shouldn’t use the plural.
19. Have you ever really, really, scared away someone you had a crush on? I’m pretty crazy, but no. I’ve actually been rather tame around those people, unless I knew they didn’t mind craziness.
20. What’s one thing you want everyone to know about you and lovin’? I’m naturally sweet, which makes the sweet sweet loving sweet^3.
21. What’s the thing you don’t want anyone to know about you and lovin’? That no one gets out alive.

22. If you had to have one of your friends die, who would you choose? The one that’s watching me type this from a hidden camera.
23. How many “friends” do you have, if you had to give a rough, round, estimate? 25
24. And how many of them are really your friends? 5
25. Have you ever backstabbed someone who thought you were his/her friend? I don’t backstab. I obliterate.
26. Do you think a lot of people dislike you? A few.
27. Do you dislike a lot of people? If you find out, it’s already too late.
28. If you could trade in your friends for large gold statues that looked like your friends, would you? If it’s solid gold, we’ll talk about it after the pre-business sex.
29. Do you think you play favorites with your friends, ever? Think? I know.
30. If you killed a man, what would your friends say? Circumcised or uncircumcised?

31. Squirrels or brake lights? Squirrels, because they’re soft.
32. Ronald Reagan or curtain rods? Alliteration!
33. Truth or consequences? Consequences, if I can choose them. The option to punish me with oral pleasure isn’t that bad of a power…
34. Pizza or the Great Wall of China? I can order pizza from the Wall.
35. Shining Time Station or the Red Scare? I don’t know either of these…but STS sounds cool.
36. Hantavirus or flannel pajamas? Hanta hanta mo manta, bananabana bo banta, fi fie fo fanta…HANTA!
37. Windows 98 or the word “lamentable?” Windows 98, because you can still play Minesweeper.
38. Neil Armstrong or sex toys? Unless vibrating and enlarging one’s anus was part of space training, sex toys.
39. Video games or Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania? You can’t jack off to Pittsburgh.
40. Sherlock Holmes or cigarettes? Didn’t Sherlock smoke? So that’s like getting two for one.
41. The National Honor Society or an illegal copy of the movie “The Crying Game?” Illegal? It simply wasn’t purchased, not illegal…

42. Stole something? Fifth grade, when a shiny Pokemon card called out to me.
43. Raped a Mormon boy in a public restroom? If I urinate in my office, is that considered a restroom?
44. Listened to “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida?” Umm. No.
45. Shot at something with something that was like a gun? No. That’d be a wonderful present, though.
46. Ranted about political stuff? I get off on the fence I’m sitting on, so there’s no way I’d rant.
47. Had somebody really care about what you were saying? Debatable. Sometimes even I don’t care.
48. Were tempted to steal a truck? Only the ones that are carrying Snapple.
49. Did something sneaky behind someone’s back? Hey, I always return it!

50. If you had to lock yourself in an underground bunker with one of the members of the popular rock band U2, who would you choose? None of them are girls, but I’d choose the one who would put up the least resistance.
51. What color is/are your pants at the moment? Forest green.
52. Is there anyone in your pants at the moment? If there was, my hands would be occupied.
53. What’s the scariest quality about you? That I’m signed up for the anger rollover plan, and I never use my minutes.
54. What do you think people that hate you don’t like about you? That I smile too often.
55. Put this on your Livejournal and answer it. Fight the power! Long live WordPress!

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