The Domain of Steven Pinnacle of Paperless Perfection

14Mar/072

Impale – alcohol + Et Tu brut(e||US)

I've been an idiot for the past semester and a half, but I'm coming back to BU with a fresh batch of resolve.

(Even though I spent a little too long dallying with the last bit of the title.)

Filed under: General, Life, School 2 Comments
7Mar/072

Wondering who would have placed after the hairy chest/treasure chest/fancy vest/failing test

From Boston University's Show Us Your Blogs competition:

The 16 finalists are listed below, in no particular order:

1. This Be My (B)log http://carolineb-log.blogspot.com
A student discusses her ongoing treatment for leukemia.

2. Alliteration Abound http://www.alliterationabound.com
Video game aficionado posts on gaming and life.

No, I did not win, and that's perfectly fine. To be honest, if I won I would've been a little ashamed for beating out the third-place leukemia blogger. Or the first-place obscure foreign film blogger, or second-place science translation blogger. Their blogs have purpose, have meaning. Whoever wrote up my ditty was very good at putting a name on what is essentially randomness. Sometimes I'm emo and blog about being emo. Sometimes I'm Elmo and blog about being Elmo. Sometimes I'm E/Mo and blog about being E/Mo.

But like when I landed my computer tech support job, which I thought I was equally unqualified for, I'm wondering what the competition was like. Did my exuberant, exhilarating, enthralling eloquence beat out blogs with purpose, or just Myspace junkies? Were there only sixteen applicants?

And then I actually read the article. There were 150 entries in the competition. I don't know which of my posts the judges read, but my blog beat out at least 134 other blogs, each with a blogger that had the cojones to put their work under scrutiny. Possibly using an anonymous email through an anonymous proxy on an anonymous public terminal wearing gloves, a mask, and a trenchcoat after making sure he wasn't followed, but that's beside the point: seeing my name up there on the list made me blush for the first time in a long while. I barely blush anymore when my girlfriend tells me I'm cute!

All I can hope is that if someone new does happen upon my blog, they look beyond the first page of posts. Because this is a personal journal, there's a wild variety of content out there, everything from short updates to music video discussions to analyses of my memories and dreams to short stories and essays. Most posts have some reference in the title, with cryptic references sneaking in if I have to obscure a detail or strong point. And true to my blog's description, there are gaming references!

Filed under: Announcements 2 Comments
7Mar/072

Sweet Dreams

I didn't get any work done when I was sick this past weekend. I had told myself that I'd rather be healthy and unproductive than ill and unproductive, but tonight is a night of healthiness and unproductivity, and I found myself wishing that I was sick so that people wouldn't blame me for being unproductive. That maybe if I had some terminal illness, people wouldn't expect anything of me. I don't want to do any of this. Sometimes I feel like watching TV, or playing games, but honestly I don't know what I want to do. At times like these I want to do nothing. Just play whatever game I'm hooked on, try new ones, make feigned attempts at exercising, sit around and wallow in my memories, sleep.

Resigning myself to a fate would be so much easier than taking control of it. It's especially hard when I don't much care where that fate leads me. College will let me go anywhere, but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to get a mindless job somewhere and live in a small apartment and spend my free time being lazy and doing useless things. Last summer's routine was wake up, work, load up World of Warcraft, raid, PvP, sleep, and it was great. I want a boring life like that because it isn't at all boring. It's filled with small pleasures. It's contentment. It's happiness. It's having nothing expected of you, nothing asked of you, no goals to meet and no achievements to fulfill.

I have no ambition. My soul was placed in the wrong body. My wonderful family and girlfriend were meant for someone who wanted to go places, to make a name for himself. He was supposed to make his family proud of him. I should have been born into the family that lived in the middle of nowhere and had no prospects, so that nothing would be wasted.

If I had that life, would I ever want more? I don't know. I certainly didn't know I would ever want to be dying and in pain. But as I'm lying here in a pile of failures that would take true ambition to climb out of, I'm wondering if I would even have the ambition to do everything differently if I started over. This semester was supposed to be the one where those habits stopped. I always start out so strong, so resolved! But there are more sentences I could use the word "always" in, and none of them speak highly of me.

I need stronger guidance. I need someone's ambition to ride along, to direct my focus and make use of it. I need someone to recognize what I can do and use me. After that...all I can hope is that they bring me to the top with them.

5Mar/071

Topics to discuss during office hours

From Always Excel: Campus Markers and the Purpose of Boston University

As students at Boston University, we are expected to learn many things before we enter that right of passage called graduation... Mathematics may be used to rob a bank; chemistry used to kill; penmanship may be used to forge a check; psychology may be used to cheat one's fellows.

Filed under: Amusing, General, School 1 Comment